Dirty Monkey

By Steve Kilcullen Jump to Recipe

This creamy and smooth rum-based beverage brings the tropical flavors of banana and coconut to your next poolside excursion.

The third and final propeller on my rickety tri-motor Ford had finally sputtered and died. At this altitude, only the roaring sound of the trade winds battering the already battered plane filled the cockpit. I knew not to trust that raggedy mechanic back in Puerto Diablo, the one with the oversized marble in place of their left eye. What choice did I have, though? My quest for the legendary Chango Sucio had left me desperate. 

The old hermit I happened upon in the cloud-capped mountains of Isthmus had told me of a treasure of such unimaginable and delicious wealth, the search for it had driven him mad. A madness that had unfortunately descended on him before he discovered the location of this mythical booty… A hidden temple in the jungles of Wakka Wakka, untouched by the destructive hand of modern man. A place inaccessible by foot or wheel, this primordial Shangri-La could only be approached by the birds in the sky. 

As the engines died on my aircraft, I looked down at the thick and uninviting tangle of Wakka Wakka’s wilderness, seeing nowhere for a safe emergency landing. Up ahead there appeared a structure of some sort, something that looked like an ancient pyramid jutting above the tree line. Could this be the temple where the treasure of the Chango Sucio resided, untouched for centuries? 

I pointed the plane toward it, pulling back on the stick to try and gain as much altitude as I could. Passing over the ancient structure, I bolted from the cockpit into the main cabin, throwing the side door open as a rush of wind barreled in. A parachute securely strapped to my back, I dove out into the sky, the air being punched into my lungs by the speed of the free fall. With not much space between myself and the jungle canopy rushing up at me, I quickly pulled the ripcord and soon felt the shock of abrupt stillness and silence as the canopy snapped open above me. 

After landing in, and then freeing myself from, a tangle of vines and tree branches, my aching and bruised legs marched as best they could through the humid and misty bush. I couldn’t have aimed my parachute better. After falling from my harness and walking less than a mile, the towering and old temple loomed before me, blocking out half the sky. There was no entrance, only giant stairs leading up. With a deep breath, I begin the hard climb toward the unseen top. 

Hours it took. The muscles in my arms and legs burned with a fire I had never felt before, as I reached and hoisted myself over every stone step. After an eternity, I made it to the top. I lay there, face turned up toward the sky, breathing so heavily I thought my lungs would explode. After a few moments of quiet, I heard a friendly voice. “Thirsty?”

I spun around and up on my haunches, hands at the ready in a defensive karate stance. Before me, on the top of this archaeological marvel, stood a wooden and intimately sized Tiki bar. Behind it was a beaming bartender, smiling from ear to ear. “What can I get ya?” 

A confusion washed over my mind, this wild sense of nothing being real was stabbing over and over at my brain. Finally, I swallowed hard and managed to wheeze out, “I seek the Chango Sucio.” 

The barkeep nodded vigorously. “A Dirty Monkey, I can make that!” They got to work, throwing a banana, dark rum, Kahlúa, coconut cream and tropical liqueurs into a blender. Taking a hurricane glass, they drizzled the interior of it with chocolate sauce as the main mixture was puréed. Soon, I had what looked and tasted like a frozen Piña Colada mixed with a banana split. 

As I sipped on this scrumptious beverage in my delirious state, I only hoped that the bartender was willing to share the recipe. Because if I ever make it out of this jungle alive, I’m planning on whipping up a few of these at home.

What is the Best Rum to Use in a Dirty Monkey?

I made this drink a few days ago and used Kraken dark rum, which I would recommend anytime and anywhere. It’s inexpensive, but also of a fantastic and consistently high quality. Being a stronger proof spirit too, you’re gonna get a lot of bang for your buck. I’ve always been a fan of Kraken, and a good friend used to be the voice of their commercials some years back, so I only have positive connections with this brand.

What type of glassware and garnish is used?

You can use a hurricane or milkshake glass to pour your Dirty Monkey into, and top it with a healthy dollop of whipped cream. Don’t forget the cherry.

How did you escape the impenetrable jungle of Wakka Wakka?

You probably won’t believe this, but after having a few Dirty Monkeys, I fell asleep atop the temple from the booze, and the exhaustion from my adventure. When I woke up, I was in my bed at home, with no memory of how I got there or who put me in my finest silk pajamas. Spooky, right?

Similar Drinks to the Dirty Monkey

So, you really like a smooth, creamy and dessert-like drink? You’re in good company! While the weather is still warm, a cold, delectable beverage should satisfy any craving you may have. Twist & Toast has a nice selection of recipes that celebrate this genre of cocktail, so check out, and try out, some of them to see what hits your sweet spot.

• Frozen Blue Hawaiian – A delicious beverage that goes well with the classic Elvis movie Blue Hawaii.
• Frozen Daiquiri – This summertime classic never goes out of style. A little vacation in every sip.
• Brass Monkey – That funky monkey. Now that the song is stuck in your head, make the drink.
• Kiss on the Lips – Add a little romance to your next cocktail hour with this sweet recipe.